Leno likes to joke about the gays

And now, an open letter to the lame duck "Tonight Show" host in an effort to keep the high quality of the Chin's show intact so that it can go back to when it didn't tell easy, stereotypical jokes... So, when was this again?

"Wild Thing" is (allegedly) the next Tom (...or OJ?)

No wonder one was asked to play a parody of the other years ago... they seem to have that whole "crazy" thing in common:

In court papers, Richards accuses the prime-time TV star of having a prime time with prostitutes, drugs, gambling and harassment that are worthy of at least "Two and a Half Men."

Allegedly hooked on Xanax, Norco and Ativan, Sheen is accused of physical menacing, threatening Richards' life and safety, watching what appeared to be underage porn (of girls and boys), regularly sleeping with prostitutes, gambling away hundreds of thousands of dollars, mood swings and paranoid acts.

His idea of a romantic chat? Try this excerpt from one of six voice messages he allegedly left Richards one day: "I hope you f— rot in hell. So f— you. I hope I never f— talk to you again, you f— c—. F— you. You're a coward and a liar and a f— n— all right? So f— you." [Read the uncensored versions here. - Ed.]

It gets worse:

She reveals, "Respondent's (Sheen) behavior was totally irrational. The Respondent became paranoid.

"Respondent began to obsess about vaccines being poisonous, about 911 (sic) being a conspiracy, purchasing gas masks on the Internet, and putting guns under our coffee table so that they would be within reach if someone broke into our house.

"Respondent also displayed what I can only describe as an abnormal fascination with Nicole Simpson's death and showed my mother and I her autopsy photographs, which I found very disturbing.["]

And worse:

In a bombshell sworn declaration, ex-Bond Girl Richards says she flat-out asked Sheen, 40, if he had anything to do with sex star Chloe Jones' death — and he didn't deny it.

"He said that he had 'no comment,'" Richards states in her papers. "This scared me. [Sheen] threatened me again 'that if I do not agree with his request for joint custody, that I would never make it to court.'"[...]

Sheen, who has been ordered to stay at least 300 feet away from Richards and their daughters, has denied all the actress' allegations, calling them a "smear campaign." Beyond that, Sheen's rep said they wouldn't address these allegations specifically.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming, a Spin City rerun:

Tom is the new Jacko

It's official...

Attention, international readers!

If your country hasn't been publicly verbally attacked much lately, check this out (and if it doesn't start with the letters A through N, check back later).

Not wasting enough time at work?

This should help. You're welcome.

The funniest cop-accidentally-shooting-himself-in-front-of-a-class-full-of-students video ever!

"Wild Thing" has a theory

The star of All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 has had a lot to say lately about the biggest terrorist attack in American history. Now far be it for Timer to question the investigative skills of the guy from Money Talks... So, who better than two Las Vegas magicians to offer the counterpoint?

Now back to your regularly scheduled program, "Two and a Half Men," already in progress!

UPDATE: So what does Hot Shot, back in the news for other reasons, have to say for himself?

I'm deeply saddened because this is clearly demonstrating a wanton and willful attempt at what I describe as a radical and transparent smear campaign and clearly a departure from sound, sane, responsible co-parenting.

He sounds one "glib" away from Cruise-land...

What if they made a movie and no one wanted to be in it?

Would it make a sound?

Northwestern University student paper takes strong stance

The Northwestern college paper has taken a solid position against throwing tampons at Bob Saget. However, their stance on Dave Coulier is unknown.

Jacko-turned-Tomkat superfan back in media spotlight

#1 fan of all people famous, Jake Byrd, is in a new AP photo outside Tom Cruise's home... Kudos, Jake!

For those of you unaware of America's favorite superfan, there's some background here and here...

UPDATE: And now he has made ABCNews.com (...After being on... er, ABC - Ed.)!

EXCLUSIVE: Evidence of Alien Invasion (Must credit Time for Timer!)

It seems that Kenny Rogers is the latest victim of the alien invasion... A pod person has now replaced him, as the aliens have taken his body for experimentation. Before and after photo below, along with a group photo of other pod people...

Be careful out there and... keep watching the skies!

The Tom Cruise interview drinking game!

Watch tonight and have adult beverages handy!

Take a sip when the following terms are used:

Glib
Scientology/Scientologist
Kate/Katie
"Silent birth"
"Pseudo science"
Psychiatry
Sonogram
"Mission Impossible III"

"Bottoms up" if the following terms are used:

"South Park"
Penelope Cruz
Nicole Kidman
Mimi Rogers
"Dawson's Creek"
"Losin' It"
"Endless Love"
"Legend"
Xenu
Gay

Another blog to read

When not reading this one, read this one...

Watch this space

...For some brand new comic strips featuring that wacky character, Mohammed! This blog will host the exclusive premiere of the new "Mohammed" comic strip about the crazy hijinks of Mohammed! Zaniness is sure to ensue, so check back here for the first Mohammed comic strip!

UPDATE: The management of "Time for Timer," due to recent world events will not allow a depiction of Mohammed on this blog.

Delayed Reaction Blog III

Fact Check: Patrick Swayze had a hit song in 1988, not 1987 - neocon lying liars!!!

Update: A correction thanks, no doubt, to my courageous blog post pointing out the erro... I mean, lying lie!!! Triumphalism, ahoy!

Chauncey's blog

The greatest thinker of our time now has a blog... click on "Journal" here to read!

Regarding the allegations made against me

I would just like to say that the real issue here is the inappropriate touching of the computer monitor while reading my blog by my accusers. I will continue to speak out on the issues important to my readers.

As Mr. Timer's lawyer, I would just like to interject here. Mr. Timer is not required to go over the facts of the case, as these have been explained many times before.

As Mr. Timer's other lawyer, let me just say that we have answered that question to the best that we can under these circumstances. Again, this matter is under review right now.

As yet another member of Mr. Timer's legal team, I should say that...

I think you should accept the response that my attorney is trying to give you.

Thank you, now my client is cooperating fully in this matter, and the facts of the case, as well as my client's position on those facts, as well as anything remotely relevant to the allegations against him are not going to be addressed here today. Instead, we would like to change the subject and shift the blame over to others as much as possible. We thank you for reading this post today. No further questions.

Now that this matter is behind us, I plan to go on with the business of my readers. Thank you.

Baby Elmo

Parents everywhere have hit the streets to protest this development (and to scratch their heads in bewilderment at the notion of a Baby Big Bird - he should stay big, that's how it should be, dammit!)... The scars from Christmas 1996 still haven't healed...

The sequels no one asked for...

It seems that massive bombs lead to sequels, and not only that, they let you direct!

Also, after the War on Gawker, the War on Movie Audiences will begin as the quest to make the Greatest Living Actor (and his buddies) will make another glorious film together about how cool it is to be them, intelligible scripts be damned. Kudos!

What's new?

Funny you should ask... By the way, we should alert the folks at Guinness that I have blogged "Time for Timer" longer than anyone else in blogging history. And...

[TIMER]

ACTUALLY THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT ARE NEW. I GUESS THIS IS THE APPROPRIATE TIME FOR ME TO SHARE MY FUTURE PLANS. I WANTED TO TELL ALL OF YOU OUT THERE WHO HAVE WATCHED THE SHOW FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS THAT, AFTER LISTENING TO MY HEART AND MY GUT, TWO THINGS THAT HAVE SERVED ME WELL IN THE PAST, I'VE DECIDED I'LL BE LEAVING "TIME FOR TIMER" AT THE END OF MAY.

IT WAS REALLY A VERY DIFFICULT DECISION FOR A LOT OF REASONS.
FIRST OF ALL BECAUSE OF THE CONNECTION I FEEL WITH YOU.
I KNOW I DON'T KNOW THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOU PERSONALLY AND IT MAY SOUND KIND OF CORNY, BUT I REALLY FEEL AS IF WE'VE BECOME FRIENDS THROUGH THE WEEKS.

AND YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME DURING A LOT OF GOOD TIMES. AND SOME VERY DIFFICULT ONES AS WELL. AND HOPEFULLY, I'VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU.

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR THE SUPPORT YOU ALL HAVE GIVEN ME. AND I SO APPRECIATE THAT YOU'VE INCLUDED ME IN YOUR MORNING ROUTINE.

ANOTHER REASON THAT THIS DECISION WAS SO DIFFICULT IS MY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE PEOPLE ON THIS WONDERFUL BLOG. AND I'M THINKING ABOUT THE CREW AND ALL MY FRIENDS AT BLOGGER. THE NOTION THAT WE'RE A FAMILY IS NOT JUST SOME CHEESY PROMOTIONAL DEVICE.

I REALLY CARE DEEPLY ABOUT THE PEOPLE HERE. FROM EVERYONE WHO WORKS BEHIND THE SCENES. TO THE FACES THAT ARE FAMILIAR TO ALL OF YOU, LIKE AL AND ANN, AND OF COURSE, MATT. YES, ONCE IN AWHILE WE GET ON EACH OTHER'S NERVES, WELL HE GETS ON MY NERVES! (LAUGHTER) BUT I COULD NOT HAVE ASKED FOR A MORE TALENTED PARTNER OR BETTER FRIEND. JUST AS DOROTHY SAID TO THE SCARECROW. "I THINK I'LL MISS YOU MOST OF ALL."

IT'S BEEN SUCH AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE TO OCCUPY THIS SEAT FOR AS LONG AS I HAVE. ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE ALWAYS APPRECIATED ABOUT TIME FOR TIMER IS ITS RICH TRADITION AND IT'S PLACE IN HISTORY. IN APRIL IT CELEBRATED ITS 1ST MONTH. NOT ONLY WAS I PISSED THAT THE BLOG IS ACTUALLY MUCH YOUNGER THAN I AM, BUT I WAS ALSO REASSURED THAT IT'S AN INSTITUTION THAT WILL CONTINUE TO GROW AND THRIVE BECAUSE OF ALL THE EXTRAORDINARILY DEDICATED PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE. AND CARE ABOUT THE BLOG AS PASSIONATELY AS I DO.

BUT SOMETIMES I THINK CHANGE IS A GOOD THING. ALTHOUGH IT MAY BE TERRIFYING TO GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE, IT'S ALSO EXCITING TO START A NEW CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE.

SO FOR NOW, IT'S NOT GOODBYE - AT LEAST NOT YET. BUT A HEARTFELT THANK YOU FOR 15 GREAT DAYS.

[BANTER]

UPDATE: Apparently when CBS said, "We'll let you know," it didn't mean I had the job. Some lady from some morning show got it. Oops.

The War on Gawker

Oscar winner/Sexiest Man Alive/Writer--Director-Actor/Arianna Huffington- impersonatee/Facts of Life star George Clooney doesn't like when celebrities are noticed in public. Clearly average people reporting that they saw someone famous must stop. It's a threat to the well-being of the rich and famous and now our hero George is going to do something about it. Kudos!

Hollywood Showbiz Update

After J.K. Rowling, C.S. Lewis and Lemony Snicket, the latest hot-hot-hot children's book author to hit the big screen is Richard Scarry! Check out the upcoming film adaptation here!

BREAKING NEWS: "You'll never get me Lucky Charms!"

Latest sighting updates...

The stars come out...

...To support a congresswoman in trouble. Who can forget "I'm too old for this shit?" And that great scene in Beetlejuice with Catherine O'Hara and company dancing around the dinner table? And... er, all those "Day-o" parodies? Erm... and The Royal Tenenbaums... though really that was all Hackman and Wilson. But it's still impressive that they're supporting her at this time... not that they can actually discuss the facts of the case or anything. But still...

UPDATE: much better. Isaac Hayes is So Hot Right Now (c).

All television knowledge...

Is kept here. Great site, very informative, especially here and here.